Beast Boy's Brilliant Plan of Brilliance
by AlchemistNemesis
Summary: FINALLY UPDATED AGAIN! OH HAPPY DAY! Beast Boy has a plan to capture Raven's heart. Warning: Extremely Random.
1. Chapter 1: Everything is Relative

Everything is Relative

By AlchemistNemesis

Beast Boy was hurt. It was not like an I-insulted-a-badger-now-I-have-50-stitches hurt. Nor was lit like a ha-ha-that-guy-got-permanently-injured-but-it's-on-america's-funniest-home-videos-so-it's-funny hurt. It wasn't even a nasal-probe-from-the-moose-people-of-planet-neeftarf hurt. No, it was one of those love hurts. Which, I might add, is far worse than the I-tried-to-eat-a-motorcycle-while-it-was-still-running hurt and the infamous I-tried-to-cook-a-live-bengal-tiger-with-a-toaster-while-taking-a-shower hurt.

You see, this love hurt originated from Raven's quote in that Trouble in Tokyo thingie in which she elaborated on how much no girl would go out with him. Now the meaning truly made his heart sink, especially after seeing Robin and Starfire together. He always wondered how Robin could get an actual girlfriend while at the same time he has to wear something over his eyes 24/7 so nobody can stare into them and see the stars or whatever. (his father was a pirate, so it's genetic)

I digress. The main problem here is that Mr. Boy loved Raven and now he had no chance with her unless a little lightbulb appears over his head and he suddenly gets a fantabulous idea. Which he did in the next nanosecond.

"If I'm the guy Raven likes the least," he thought, "I'll get someone she likes even less!"

Surely enough, the Titans needed a new member. There were many wanna-be's and really-wanna-be's and if-I-don't-get-in-I-won't-be-able-to-afford-the-bone-marrow-transplant's. Only one made it through.

This was the one person that could kill Slade (at least that's what Beast Boy said, so that Robin would even reject the honorary titan made out of centers of black holes and had direct ties to the supreme being). His name struck terror in the hearts of the living.

Verner von Doofyfoofy, master of annoyance.

Raven had not yet seen this person; she was not present at the tryouts. She saw him when he arrived at the tower. He was dressed in toilet paper and duct tape. He wore an eyepatch and carried around an office chair. He went up to Raven and initiated his terrible, uncontrollable prowess.

"You're pretty. My name is Verner von Doofyfoofy! I like pie. Do you like pie?! DO YOU?! You don't? I hope you explode! Hahahaha that's okay you're cool. What's your name? Ah, it doesn't mater. I'll call you Hoofa. What's your superpower? Ah, it doesn't matter. I'll call it Hoofa-ing. Was your uncle a dentist? Yes he was. "

"No he wasn't."

"SHUT UP! HE WAS! Your formal name is now 'Hoofa Vo-Veefy, supreme gladiatrix of Hoofa-ing uncle dentists.' I like it. I like you. MARRY ME, SUPREME GLADIATRIX OF HOOFA-ING UNCLE DENTISTS!"

At this point, Raven's left eye started twitching irregularly and she turned the lump of coal she was holding for some reason into a diamond like Superman or something. Beast Boy knew that all that was left to do was the waiting game.

Which you will do, because I'm adding chapters to this. Peace out.


	2. Chapter 2: Oops, I did it again

Chapter 2: Oops, I did it again

After two weeks of BB's plan not going so well, he realized that his plan wasn't going so well. Somehow, Robin had been indirectly convinced to make Verner the new leader of the Teen Titans (it was probably something to do with Slade again--that can convince the poor sap into anything. That, and turducken. He loves turducken. Possibly more than starfire. Who wouldn't? It's turkey stuffed with duck stuffed with chicken! That's, like, three different birds at once! And Starfire isn't even a bird at all! Maybe in the slang sense, she is, such as "That dumb old bird Sarfire." Not that she's dumb, it's just...blah)

Verner ruled over the Titans with a brain-scratchingly lethal iron fist. Thusly were the new names of the Titans, and they were only to be referred to as said names:

Robin: He rocks in the treetops all day long hoppin' and a-boppin' and a-singin' his song all the little birds on jaybird street love to hear the robin go TWEET TWEET TWEET

Starfire: High Priest Mr. Coffee the Fifteenth and a half

Cyborg: Mr. and Mrs. Rocky Balboa Chicken Oops, I Did it Again

Raven: Hoofa Vo-Veefy, Supreme Gladiatrix of Hoofa-ing Uncle Dentists (Also known as Mrs. Verner von Doofyfoofy--he kinda married her in her sleep)

Beast Boy: (The entire spongebob theme song)

Beast Boy's plan would have worked, because Raven had Verner's soul on Craigslist in a fraction of the time she had Beast Boy's. However, Verner would change Beast Boy's name to the entire "song that never ends" and make his new uniform a giant sock and nothing else if he found out Raven was cheating on him, because there ain't no fury like a Verner von Doofyfoofy scorned.

The good-morning-it's-going-to-be-a-good-day-yay-yay alarm blasted out its awful roar at four in the morning--the singal that the TItans would meet with their leader for the first time that day and get their new morning rituals out of the way.

They trudged out of bed, knowing that if they wouldn't, Verner would wake them up himself with his magic waker-upper machine (which was a cattle prod).  
"GOOD MORNING AWESOME RAINBOW HAPPY NINJA SQUAD!" Screamed Verner at the top of his lungs.

"Awesome rainbow happy ninja squad?" asked Beast Boy.

"Do not talk out of line, Are-ya-ready-kids-aye-aye-captain-I-can't-hear-you-aye-aye-captain-oh-who-lives-in-a-pineapple-under-the-sea-spongebob-squarepants-absorbent-and-yellow-and-pourous-is-he-spongebob-squarepants-if-nautical-nonsense-be-something-ya-wish-spongebob-squarepants-then-drop-on-the-deck-and-flop-like-a-fish-spongebob-squarepants-spongebob-squarepants-spongebob-squarepants-spongebob-squarepants-sponge-bob-square-pants-toot-toot-toot-toot-toot-toot-toot-toot! This is our new name! "Teen Titans" is s-o-o-o-o 1492.Now for your morning rituals...first off, your morning smack upside the face!"

A robotic servant brought out a giant hammer, and Verner sang the morning-smack-upside-the-face song (which is essentially ("morning smack upside the face" repeated to the tune of "la donna e mobile") as he gave the Titans one by one a good whack in the face with said hammer.

"Someone ask me what special day it is today!" he screamed.

"What special day is it today?" said Cyborg, ever the obedient one to the Doofyfoofy.

"Ah, glad you asked! I wasn't even thinking about that! Ahem..today is Pee Wee's playhouse day! Today, we're going to renovate the entire Tower to be like Pee Wee's playouse and have it stay that way for a million years--literally!"

Beast boy knew that if anything was to stop, he had to do something to save the Teen Titans--excuse me, Awesome Rainbow Happy Ninja Squad. He'll probably do it in the next chapter. How should I know if he will, I'm not green.


	3. Chapter 3: Trix are for Kids

Chapter 3: Trix are for Kids

Just as the second morning ritual was about to take place—BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP!

"Oooh! The narrator's a potty mouth!" shrieked Verner.

"Your doofy-ness," said Robin, "with all due respect, the narrator is completely awesome and by no means has a toilet in place of his mouth." (Author's note: Nice try, Robin McSuckup, but only _I_ have access to the cookie jar.)

"YOU ARE SO WRONG, MR. TWEET TWEET TWEET! OUR NARRATOR'S A POTTY MOUTH BY ANYONE'S STANDARDS!"

The bleeping continued its bleeping.

"Your doofy-ness?" said Raven, hating herself for every syllable of "doofy-ness."

"Yes, wifey?"

Raven's second least favorite word is "wifey" (her first least favorite was "cheetos,") but it has worse connotations when she is one, especially to Verner. She could not let out what she was going to say regarding the bleeping. Instead, as she tried to break her fists by clenching them, her anger-mangled vocal chords spewed out weird syllables that sounded like curse words but weren't (and if they were in the dictionary, they'd probably be vulgar), such as "f'tuh" and "duh-urck."

"What I think Raven is trying to say," said Starfire, "is that the bleeping is actually our distress signal."  
"The she-broad has a point!" said Verner as he raised a single index finger high in the air. Hearing this comment towards his girlfriend, Robin was desirous of raising a different finger high in the air, but he did not.

"It looks like the Trix rabbit is holding a convent hostage," said Cyborg, looking at a computer screen.  
Verner von Doofyfoofy knew that his team was to save the day for the first time under their new magagement. He jumped up on top of his trusty office chair and screamed, "AWESOME RAINBOW HAPPY NINJA SQUAD, UP, UP AND AWAY—CHEETOS!"

Robin admitted that he liked the general click of "Teen Titans, Go!" better, but who was he to judge; he wasn't a raving idiot like Verner. Raven took the ring pop that was her wedding ring and smashed it into fruit-flavored molecular shards with her teeth in one gnash.

Beast Boy cautiously crept over to his possible future girlfriend and asked: "Are you okay?" Raven looked at him and murdered a nearby rat with a toothpick. Beast boy knew that if his plan was to work, serious changes had to take place.

"Mr. Rabbit, it doesn't have to be like this!" said Beast Boy in rabbit form (he figured that the Trix rabbit would prefer to talk to a fellow rabbit).

T.R. simply picked up an innocent nun and put a glock to her head. "I don't care one way or the other…" he said. "…I JUST WANT SOME TRIX!"

"That's all?" said Beast Boy. He turned into his regular form, which was very similar to a trix-worthy kid in every way, and moseyed on over to a convenience store. He was immediately pounced on by Verner.

"You brain-damaged clown!" voice-barfed Verner. "Trix are for kids!" he then went over to the T.R. and whacked him with his office chair. "Silly rabbit! The commercials during Farily OddParents tell me that you shouldn't exist. We all know that there is no higher authority than the commercials during Fairly OddParents!"  
A shot rang out and the nun hit the floor. TR was pounced on by the local authorities and shipped off to court.

The newspapers across the country either talked on the front page about the disappointing failure of the Teen Titans or Mel Gibson dying of BLD (bigoted loser disorder). Robin stomped into Verner's room.

"We need to talk, your doofyness," he said.


	4. Chapter 4: Exit Agenda

Chapter 4: Exit Agenda

"We're going to have to let you go," said Robin. As soon as Robin finished the sentence, Verner leaped up onto his office chair and pointed an accusatory finger at Robin.

"TRAITOR!" he proclaimed. "TREASON! DEFECTION! DEFECATION! URINATION! NECRONOMICON! AND OTHER THINGS ENDING IN 'ON!' _YOU'RE_ THE ONE THAT'S FIRED, TWEET-TWEET-TWEET!"

"Actually," said Cyborg, "To fire a Titan, you have to take a vote. We already took one and it was unanimous."

"Not to mention," said Starfire, "that Beast Boy acquired this tape of you having a tea party with some stuffed animals—"  
"So? Is it really so terrible that I have tea parties at my age and gender?!"

"—and Slade."

Raven looked at Beast boy and—holy crap—she smiled.

Verner let out a sad sigh of much profuse sadness, and said, "Alright, but before I go, I have to do my exit agenda. Until my exit agenda is complete, I still have power."  
"Exit agenda?" questioned Robin, as denoted by the obvious question mark (duh).

"It's a rule I added to the Awesome Rainbow Happy Ninja Squad Constitution while I was still the leader."  
"So what is this exit agenda?"  
"It's a to-do list with 263 items."

One month later, the Titans were on #14 of Verner's agenda. The preceding items were all obeyed, for fear that the Titans would be sued by someone (don't ask me who, Verner just said that they would be sued if they didn't). The first thirteen went something like:  
1. Raven's wardrobe will be changed to match that of princess peach toadstool and stay that way forever and ever and ever.

2. Robin will eat five light bulbs.

3. New names:

Robin: Chinese food

Starfire: Chinese food

Cyborg: Chinese food

Beast Boy: Chinese food

Raven: Cheetos McWifey

4. Verner will get a pet dragon named "Chinese" (#3 and #4 often conflicted).

5. The Tower will be covered in endorsements for Tampons.

6. The awesome rainbow happy ninja squad will now be the super duper omg yay awesome rainbow happy ninja squad

7. The ARHNS (excuse me, SDOMGYARHNS) anthem will now be the oscar mayer hot dog song.

8. Verner is no longer awesome; he is now flippin' awesome.

9. Fleegleschnorp (Nobody's figured that out yet, so they skipped to #10)

10. Blingerdargen (Nobody's figured that out either, so they skipped to #11)

11. "Awesome rainbow happy ninja squad, up, up, and away—cheetos!" is now "Super duper OMG yay awesome rainbow happy ninja squad, up and at 'em—Doritos!"

12. Starfire will no longer be Tameranian; she is now Santa Claus.

13. Beast Boy is now only allowed to change into the Easter Bunny.

#14 was the hardest so far; they had to change the tower from a "T" into a semicolon. Of course, that had to be completed before the fifteenth would come up…which Beast Boy was _lovingly_ altering.


	5. Chapter 5: Here Comes Peter Cottontail

Chapter 5: Here Comes Peter Cottontail

Verner, now witnessing from the ground his newly-completed Super Duper OMG Yay Awesome Rainbow Happy Ninja Squad tower in its new form of a punctuation mark, also witnessed Robin and Starfire making out because the mouth scars from exit agenda item #2 fully healed. He then proceeded to laugh his duct-tape-and-toilet-paper pants off.

"Do you mind?" said Robin.

"It's just that you're making out with Santa Claus! EXIT AGENDA ITEM #12, LOSER-FACE-PANTS-BUTT!"

Starfire, trying unsuccessfully to calm things down, asked Robin "Do other Earthlings use such a suffix as loser-face-pants-butt?"

"He's actually not an Earthling," said Robin, holding in his anger. "He's from planet Dorkulus V." It would have been a good insult if it wasn't true.

Beast Boy confidently pranced over to Verner with the _shortened_ exit agenda behind his back. "Your Doofyness," he asked, "you like the Easter Bunny, right?"

"Of course. Before you ask, if he told me to jump off a cliff, I would SO dive."

Beast boy showed Verner the revised list:

15: All actions introduced during Verner's reign will be reversed. This includes the name changes, the marrying of Raven, the semicolon transition, and the like. He will not be assisted by the original Titans in this process.

16: Verner will claim sole responsibility for the murder of Jonbenet Ramsey.

17: THERE IS NO FREAKIN' ITEM 17. GOODBYE, VERNER.

_Annotations made by Easter Bunny. All rights reserved._

"Hah!" shouted Verner. "There's no such thing as the Easter—" Responding to Item #13 of the exit agenda, Beast Boy turned into a very green Easter Bunny.  
"Checkmate, hubby," said Raven.

This was the point where Verner snapped. His actions could only be described in the following stream of consciousness:

BLUGH TAGH MOOF NORP NEEK FOOK.

He then joined Slade in one swift sentence because I'm lazy and tired. More chapters to come.


	6. Chapter 6: The Author Changes

The sky was dark. I would almost go as far as say that it was dark as a bark, however dark that may be. I'm assuming, however, that barks are very dark, much like snarks or fwarks. The worst part was that the author did not make sense at all. Lightning flashed in the distance.

Beast Boy was pissed at the author for not making sense, so he smacked him across the face. Beast Boy was himself smacked across the face by Slade because he was supposed to be battling him and Verner von Doofyfoofy at the same time--alone. After all, they were on a cliff alone with Harry Potter shoved down Beast Boy's throat and badgers stapled to his bare feet.

"NOT FAIR!" exclaimed Beast Boy. "AlchemistNemesis is abusing his author privileges to make me suffer!" However, Beast Boy owed me five bucks and didn't pay me on time, and therefore must suffer. Oh, did I mention he can't use his powers, either?

"Wait a minute, stop the Fic," said Raven, tearing a dimensional hole in the fabric of space to go into my room as I'm writing this. "I don't want him to get hurt." And why is that, Raven? Is it because you luff him? Not just like, but—let go of me! I'm not going into my own fanfic! HELP! HEL--

_Hello. This is Raven, and I'm taking over this Fanfic._

_AlchemistNemesis lay screaming with Verner von Doofyfoofy as they were nailed to an upside-down cross. Slade danced around in a tutu while Beast Boy…uh…did a freestyle rap on Tameranian gang affiliations._

_To free himself from the cross, Verner gnawed off his limbs at the hips and shoulders, and somehow regenerated them to be cut off in the future. "Hey!" he said. "Raven's dimensional hole!" he got into AlchemistNemesis's room and—wait. No. Just no. Get out. NO I AM NOT YOUR "WIFEY."GET AWAY FROM THE KEYBOARD._

**Hi this is verner I like writing the fanfic cheese is good la la la la la la Raven married me again la la la la la jingle bells Beast boy smells Robin laid an egg T-car lost a wheel and..uh…yeah, starfire's not santa claus anymore she's GARFIELD she likes lasagna ooooh lasagna I'll go get some right now—**

GET. OUT. OF. MY. ROOM. BACK. IN. THE. FANFIC. OUT. OUT. OUT. OUT. OUT.

Okay, let's try this chapter again, and do it RIGHT this time.

…by which I mean later.


	7. Chapter 7: Further Consequences

Chapter 7: Even further consequences of the brilliant plan of brilliance

Verner von Doofyfoofy was now in the cold, dire, dry-skin grip of defeat. The titans had him duct-taped to a giant weasel named Morpheus Sebastian Humperdinck, and seeing that said weasel had just downed two barrels of Red Bull, it was quite the rodeo.

"CEASE THIS FOOLISH TOMFOOLERY OR FACE THE CONSEQUENCES!" said Verner for the 50th time in the exact same way he did the last 49 times. He decided to actually make them face said consequences, and he brought out a remote control.

"I have here," said Verner, "a remote control that can detonate five hundred thermonuclear warheads all over the world! I'll plunge this entire planet into perpetual radioactive winter unless you do exactly as I say!"

"Sorry," said Robin, "we can't hear you over our uproarious laughter."

"The guy says that he'll nuke the world if you don't follow his orders," pierced the high-pitched scream of Mr. Humperdinck the giant weasel.

"What proof does he have of that?" said Raven, but the she-broad spoke too soon. She saw a low-megaton mushroom cloud in the unpopulated distance. This guy means business, and not a mom-and-pop apple farming business taken over by Wal-Mart, I'm talkin' NUKIN' THE WORLD business!

"So," said Verner, "all you have to do is follow the arranged marriages I have set for you."  
"AGAIN WITH THE MARRIAGES?" said the titans.

He whipped out a list that rolled out ten feet, which was weird because it only had five items (he writes big).

Arranged marriages:

Raven X Verner

Beast Boy X Five female walruses

Robin X Vera von Doofyfoofy (Verner's sister)

Starfire X Borat

Cyborg X The Internet

Five months later…

Mr. Humperdinck waltzed into the Titans Tower. Raven kept herself from going insane by knitting sweaters out of snakes. Only Beast Boy's hand was visible—the rest of him was under a pile of butt-ugly walruses. Robin was trying to fend off Vera with a spatula as she tried to play "Antarctican Chess" with him (It's too disturbing to tell what it is on this website, but let's just say it involves a penguin, Ringo Starr, and a flamethrower). Borat was trying to get the "Tameranian Gypsy" out of her room—she'd locked herself in when she found out what "sexytime" was. As for Cyborg—well, he was quite content with his new wife, and they had two healthy baby girls.

"I have a confession to make," said Morpheus.

"Wa-wa-wee-wa, a talking weasel," said Borat. "Come, weasel! We'll make sandwiches out of you and your mother! HEY! GYPSY! COME OUT AND MEET THE TASTY THING THAT TALKS!"

"_Anyway,_" said Morpheus, "I hate to tell you this, but that nuclear bomb that went off five months ago wasn't a nuclear bomb, but a SPAM-brand imitation nuclear bomb. I planted it, and I was in on the gag. There aren't any nukes planted."

"So…no gypsy sexytime?" said Borat, shortly before being punched in the face by the Titans in one swift synchronized move

"Well, then…" said Verner, "you'll just have to go through the…OVER-COMPLICATED AMERICAN DIVORCE PROCEEDINGS! DUN DUN DUN!"


End file.
